VIEW

As I look out the window, I reflect on the past. Back to when I began this journey. Back then, when I looked out the window, all I could see was pain and darkness. The view was not something that I wanted to see.

I had lost everything, my wife, my job, my life. Alcohol had destroyed me on every possible level. The pain and sense of loss and being lost was beyond description. The only thing I had to hold on to was the hope that what I had learned in the Bible could be reconciled to my belief in science. It could not.

In hopes of making that reconciliation, I began my studies anew. Faith intervened and for the first time I really understood what I had missed. But perhaps some back ground would help you to understand this.

At one time in my life, I had what could be called the American Dream; a lot of money, a wife who loved me, two sons that I loved dearly and an addiction to alcohol that had not yet begun to destroy me. (Or perhaps it had and I just didn't know). We had many friends that would come to our house or us to theirs, and we would do the weekend thing that so many Americans enjoy. Barbeque, sports on the TV, play games and just overall have a good time. But the booze was ever present.

As time passed many of our friends began to grow up and move on to more adult pursuits. I did not. My belief at the time was that they were just running out of steam to early in life. I thought I had all the time in the world. I could not have been more wrong.

My solution to the people that were growing up was to take the few friends I had left, (the ones that were still using), and find more people who were not growing either. I blinded myself to the truth. I actually had no idea what the truth was because I did not believe that there was a God, Satan, heaven or anything else that was anymore than random chance. In short, I was an atheist.

I was with my ex-wife for 13 years. From her point of view, things had been bad for the last five years of our marriage. I only noticed that things were not what they should have been for about two years, (you see what I mean about being blind). She stayed far longer than a lot of women would have in the hope that she could help me to see the truth. The problem was that I did not want to see.

You must understand that people who are convinced that there is no God believe it mostly because with God comes accountability. With God comes maturity. I did not want to grow up. Life seemed so much easier if I could continue to do as I pleased. And I did for a very long time. I thought of myself as a rebel and a fighter. Although I can't tell you what I was rebelling against. Perhaps it was God.

There are no people that are more dangerous than those who are sincere in their beliefs but are sincerely wrong. Whenever I was confronted with the Word of God, I would just shut down. I thought I could prove that there was no God and took great joy in shooting down a believer's faith. I was quite good at it, (Lord forgive me for the damage I probably did). I used science to knock holes in whatever they had to say and I fear that I had some success at this. My only comfort is the hope that they were stronger than it appeared.

Believing that we are not to blame for our actions, that there is always someone or something else to blame, has become quite prevalent in our world. Nothing is ever your fault. Blame your parents, teachers, wives, kids or anything else that is handy. If I can point at this or that then I am not so bad. I embraced this whole-heartedly. I had no conception of the truth.

When things began to fall apart, from my point of view anyway, I stayed true to form. It was everyone else's fault.

In February of 1997, I came home from work and found a note on the dinning room table that said, "I love you but I cannot watch you kill yourself any longer". She was gone. I was completely taken off guard and went on a binge that cost me the first of many jobs. The fact that this surprised me is actually kind of funny now.

When I sobered up about two weeks later, at least enough to talk to her, she said she had originally planned leaving as a wake-up call. But because of my binge she was now not so sure. I had no idea that she was hoping I would find the strength to do something about my problem so that she could come home. She was trying to scare me straight.

It did not work.

Instead of trying to get clean, I went deeper into insanity. I now had a handy reason to drink. My wife left me.

I will spare you the details of the next seven years. (Many of you have the same story anyway). I only want to tell you that I did begin to look at The Bible - Scientifically of course.

I learned a great deal about what God had to say and it was all totally useless information as long as I was missing the point. And miss it I did. I was one of the best Bible scholars with a bottle in his hand that you would ever see. I could now prove that God did exist.

What I did not know was that He was working in me even then. It began to dawn on me that the theories of science that I held so dear did not add up. There were far too many holes in them. How could this be? Did God actually create the universe? I struggled with this for some time and continued to drink.

In the spring of 1999, I woke up under a highway overpass on interstate 40 between Memphis and Nashville. I had no idea where I was. Upon learning my location, I also found out that three days and 500 miles had gone by. This scared me enough to go to the Kalamazoo Gospel Mission. I entered the New Life Program and stayed for 9 months. I met a girl and left the program for a bed at Alpha and Omega. The girl then the program quickly went south. I stayed for less than three months. I, of course, returned to my old ways.

In August of 2004, I found myself on the floor of a cheap motel room suffering from alcohol poisoning. All I could see from where I lay was the TV and more bottles than seemed possible. I could not even crawl across the floor to the phone. After three days of lying in my own filth, someone began to wonder where I was and came to check.

I spent the next three days in the hospital with about a thousand IV's in my body. The doctors said I should be dead. One in particular said that someone was watching over me because the blood tests showed that my internal organs had shut down at least once. He could not explain my being alive.

Upon my release I again went to the New Life Program. With the exception of one stumble I have not drunk alcohol since August 25th 2004. I call this a stumble because I have learned that it is only a fall if you stay down.

In October of 2004 I picked up on my studies and gave my life to Christ. Finally, after many years of study, I found what I was missing. Faith and trust in Him who died for us.

Such a simple yet terrifying thing. Give up control? You must be kidding? Let someone else run things? You bet!! And it works!!!

At first things seemed perfect. Nothing could sway me and I would walk in His truth forever. Then reality set in. I discovered that, even though I had given Him my life, my will was another matter entirely.

Being a Christian was not all peaches and cream. I was still going to have struggles. (By the way, Christian originally meant "Little Christ" but has now come to mean "Christ Like"). If I were to continue in my faith, I would have to surrender my will to Him daily. Once this discovery was made, I was then able to look at His word with the right mind set. It all began to make sense.

Something else I discovered was that a lot of what science had learned was right. The problem was not science but scientists. Our ability to build a better world is a gift from God just like everything else. So in the end I did make that reconciliation. Just not as I had expected.

On August 21, 2006 I lost my job and was hit by an SUV on the same day. I found a whole new meaning to the term "Rock Bottom". There are many different types beyond that which comes with addiction. This one was emotional and spiritual. It felt as if God had just been yanking my chain. Like He just let me get a taste and then ripped it away.

In June of 2007, I was again at A & 0. Since that time there have been ups and downs. I have not always stayed in fellowship with Him as I would like, but I have renewed my faith to a degree that I never reached before. My accident was not God's fault!!! Sometimes things just happen.

In my time here, I have learned some very important things. Number one is that God has given me a gift that is not for me alone. That is the gift of understanding. It seems that I have the ability to understand His word and explain to others in a way that they will understand. This is not to say that I myself always follow it with perfection. Although I do know those who teach are held to a higher standard, I fear that I am sometimes held to a higher standard than is really fair. Such is life.

This is also not to say that I am some kind of genius, because it is not me. It is simply being willing to let Him work through me. We can all do this. God is not interested in our abilities but rather our availability. When He calls us to a task, He will give us the tools that we need to achieve His goals.

We are not all called to some great thing. Most of us are called to do whatever He needs us to do at that time. We must simply be willing to do so. Even the smallest of tasks can be great when greatly pursued.

I also know that understanding His word is not enough. True wisdom comes from Him and is most closely defined in application to ones own life.

God does not give us gifts and abilities for us to spend on ourselves. The blessings and abilities that He bestows upon us are for us to share with others, to edify our brothers and sisters in Christ. Being part of His body means doing His work, not just sharing in the blessings.

I still struggle with things that are not out of the ordinary such as, fighting with disability, law suits and the general discontent we all feel sometimes. I say this because God's word tells us that we will not be tempted beyond that which we can bear. This goes for the struggles we have as well.

Even as I deal with my physical and financial problems, I am aware of the fact that the solutions may not come today. But I do know they will come if I remain in Him. The key is not to think that the outcome will be as I have planned. His will may not be the same as mine. I must simply trust that His will is the outcome that is right. Even if things do not turn out the way I think they should, they will turn out just fine.

The decision to follow, or not follow, Christ is the most important decision that every human will ever make. Our entire lives, and our eternity, hinge on it. There is absolutely nothing that matters more. Make no mistake, you will spend eternity somewhere.

I write this not to condemn anyone, nor to edify myself, but to illustrate a point. We will struggle in this world. We will have our ups and downs. It rains on the just and unjust alike.

As for me, I choose to struggle for something that matters. Serving God's will to the best of my ability and continuing to grow in Him.

As I look out the window, nothing out there has changed. The world is just as messed up as it ever was. But seeing through the eyes that The Lord has given makes that view glorious.